I can’t tell if the fatigue I’ve been feeling this week is because I danced, I sang, I spent all weekend staying up late and staying in the sun at Lollapalooza. Another part of me has been wondering if it’s depression. You know, when you feel totally uninspired, lacking and like nothing is exactly urgent, pressing or vital.
My body has been screaming for yoga lately. SCREAMING. I can feel it in my shoulders, I can feel it in my IT bands and I can feel it in that inner mucky, wiggly wooshy stuff inside. I’ve found myself slipping into the annoyances of work and like I don’t have much outside of work. But the prospect of cooking classes, volunteering, video games and especially dating don’t excite me. Cooking because I feel like I’m at a good place with my eating right now. I spend time on my food, I consciously purchase things that are good for me and I make a meal. Volunteering because I looked into about 5 places before finding one I a) really believed in, b) could get to without a car and c) could include in my current schedule before finding the program I applied to. I didn’t hear back. Videogames because they’re evergreen. Dating because, well, I don’t think I want it bad enough. I’d be more open to the idea if people came with little signs around their neck with their background on it like they have at animal shelters. Because if I let you into my life, I want to make sure you’re not going to try and destroy the nice things I’ve worked to have.
My body has been calling for more movement. Now that it’s shed a few pounds, built muscle mass, discovered new distances and tried new things, it wants to keep moving in that direction.
I was on a quasi hiatus from yoga for a while. Too many mantras, too much chant, too much deep soothing breaths. And everything should be had in moderation, naturally, but I had just had TOO much. I looked around, tried hot yoga, tried home yoga, tried far away yoga, but what I was searching for was so finite, I had a hard time feeling fulfilled at the end of these classes. When The Teacher is your teacher at a critical time, it’s hard not to use him as the gold standard of yoga teachers. And while each one since has taught me something, I felt I could really grow in his space.
Today I got over my bullshit.
I went to a class I had been to before. And discovered that while the teacher is the guide, the rule is the same (you would think someone who’s done yoga for literally half of their life would know this). The past is the past, and I have to leave it there, no matter how sweet it may be it can leave the present bitter. I discovered that I didn’t go for the brand of yoga taught so much as the ability of the teacher to guide me to a place where I’m plugged in and challenged. When this happens I mentally think no thoughts. It’s just me and my fabulous limbs. Physically, I sweat like crazy, giggle and usually get a few headrushes (like when you stand up too fast). It feels good to know something that most people consider to be relaxing and slow can be deceptively powerful and cleansing — sometimes more than a long run can ever be. People are much the same.
My time on that mat is where I feel fortified, built up, powerful, strong and unshakable. And when I’m really in it, I take this home with me and wear it constantly. I want to feel like this forever.
At the end of class, my teacher mentioned something that has been sticking in my craw for a few hours now. It’s no secret I’m impulsive, but this would be especially impulsive of me. The thing is, I’m a firm believer in The Universe knowing better than I ever will, omens, and when some things should not be ignored. I can’t tell if this is one of those signs. If this is one of those things I should reach out and grab despite the financial setback, the time commitment and who I’ll be when I come out the other side.
I’ve stood on the edge of myself before, I know it when I see it and I know it when I don’t even think about it. I could take this chance and change myself forever or I could sit here and wonder who I was supposed to be.
(this is also post #526, my birthday… coincidence?)