I’ve had a hard time getting going today. Mostly because of the overcast. I let myself get some much needed rest and between Louie and my bed, I just kept resting.
I would have gone for my run this morning but considering the mileage, it wasn’t going to be quick and the fam was coming to visit today! I had ants in my pants all morning.
Oddly enough, when they were here I didn’t feel much like talking but when they left I felt strangely melancholy. Maybe it’s the time of year, maybe it’s that all the dust has settled. I can’t tell but I feel as though I’m grasping for things that will fill me on the inside.
I can’t tell where the sense of “something’s missing” is coming from. I want to work on my Spanish. I want to learn banjo. I want to clock some serious hours on Skyward Sword. I want to sketch and draw. I want to get sun. I want to be social. I want to volunteer. I want to invest in a different education. But despite all these wants I’m feeling incredibly unmotivated lately. Like I’m not hungry.
In this past month’s Real Simple there was an article about conversations that change your life. One of the essays was about how a 5 minute conversation with someone this woman met on the train changed her motivational direction forever. Friday, I met someone in a bar who also works in the news industry. I was retelling the making of myself and how I wound up in news but not on the side I always thought I would be in. He interjected and asked me if I missed it and I was totally blindsided by that question. Like he called me out! And while I don’t miss the hours of reporting, I do miss the hunger I had for those stories. I miss the hunger I had in my belly to do everything right the first time.
I still have that hunger but it’s been allocated to different things now. And I guess I feel a little lost. I think this is pretty typical of The Working 20-something but I think it’s rather alarming how this has crept up on me. Like a rash; uncomfortable and totally involuntary.
When I first moved here, Miss Arizona said that she knew in her bones this place would lead me to my life’s work. And while I doubt my current job is my forever job, I’m confident it will lead me in the direction of my forever job. So perhaps this lost feeling is a natural check — my subconscious self telling me never to get comfortable and always reach for beyond what is expected.
I’m trying to break through this wall. I’m trying to sustain a sense of wonder while I lay the foundation for the myriad of days to come. And I think I have become comfortable. I think I’ve fallen into a rhythm that no longer invigorates me or recharges me. And it’s time to break it completely.
Running is no longer that thing. Running is now as much a part of me as breathing. I need it to live. And I am so thankful for that and for my limbs to be able to carry me through mile after magnificent mile. But I need a new challenge. I need to be uncomfortable again. I need to push beyond myself. And I need to do it right now.
I just have to make a decision, and we all know how good I am at doing that.