Closer

Approximately a week ago, my mentor really put the hot pokers to me which set of a chain reaction of self-assessment to beat the band.

In a nutshell, I’ve realized how destructive being totally passive can be. All told, the only person who loses when you’re passive is yourself. I regret to say I’ve learned the hard way. However (!), I have the miracle of youth on my side for this one. Better late than never.

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There’s so much fear in owning our choices. Things like how much you pay in rent, how much you pay to J.Crew each month and all the food you buy at the store, which store, and what quality are easy things to own, all told. Who you love, what you want out of your career, how you like to get yours and where you put down roots are all much harder decisions to own because they are significant in shaping the people we become.

What’s worse is differing ownership of this personhood to happenstance and things out of your control.

How cowardly.

I refuse to be a coward any longer. I just refuse. I’ve had little victories (what custard I want to eat) and failures (who I’m taking to what wedding) on this front in the past week but I know this isn’t something I can change about myself all at once, it has to happen gradually.

Running has taught me not to be ashamed or afraid of my body. Yoga has taught me not to be ashamed or afraid of my heart. My mentor has taught me not to be ashamed or afraid of my life. For as many times as I’ve read Brené Brown’s phenomenal Daring Greatly, it took a major dressing down for me to understand the true lesson; we are afraid to fail, we are afraid of who we are and we are afraid to let people in — because they could be so much different.

It takes the right chemistry of people for us to realize this is a total load of baloney. My mentor has shown me what it means to Dare Greatly.

I have these right people. They are married, single, entangled, older, younger, parents, relatives, friends, strangers and lovers and they surround me and hold me up each day. They take me for who I am in all stations and forms of myself. So, I cannot fail with them holding me up.

I imagine this is what god must be like for some people. I have to say, my version is better because mine have faces, laughter, hearts and hands.

 

 

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