This one’s for me. (And this one, and that one, and yeah, that other one, too)

If you’ve been reading along for a while now or you’re new here, it’s not hard to deduce that I’m the kind of person who’s always in motion. As a person, I’m constantly searching for what can be changed, improved, built up, deconstructed, rebuilt and moved forward. My entire life I’ve been fixated on how things could be different and where they’re going to go next.

I lack patience. I lack being able to be present.

As a yogi, I’m admittedly terrible at sitting with myself. I think that’s why I like it, because it demands I face a challenge (myself) and work with it for a while. If yoga has taught me anything, it’s that you have to start with where you are.

Designation was a challenge, one I welcomed warmly and really am seeing many returns from. I’m so thankful for that experience; the knowledge I gained, the people I met and grew to love personally and professionally.

The rest of me is catching up.

I want to slow down. I want to be present. I want to be kind and open and in-tune with my surroundings. I was better at this in Milwaukee, when I had my own space and personal time in quiet was available whenever I wanted it. I’m still seeking spaces for it in Chicago.

I’m starting where I am. The transition is over but it’s not finished.

I registered for a 10k on Thanksgiving, forcing myself to get back into a rhythm of self-care. As a runner, I started this addictive hobby because I wanted to prove to myself I could run with shitty lungs and no medication (I can).

I do this a lot. I give myself dares and challenges in an effort to know myself better and grow. It’s borderline obsessive. Life things have converged at this point and I am demanding something new of myself — to sit with it all and really understand what I’ve been running from. Literally and figuratively.

A week into this, it’s really fucking hard. Just like diets, running programs and daily routines. It’s really fucking hard when you start.  I’m retreating into myself. I’ve spent so much of this year working on things that touch my life and not enough time working on the things inside of my life. It’s time to be selfish. It’s time for this one to be mine. This workday, this dance, this run, this breath and this life are for me.

An hour from now I’ll be different. A day from now I’ll be different and a week from now I’ll be different. Same, same different. Start with where you are.

There’s no real ending to this post. I hope the ones in the future will be more focused and less brain vomit. More positive. One thing at a time, brick by brick. I’m getting there.

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